Dumb Couch Guy

Bandit's been busy. The other day, he decided to chew a nice big hole in one of our dining chairs. Today, while I was stuck at home waiting for the guy to come replace our couch cushion (that Bandit had puked on a while back), he managed to pull both of our houseplants off our fireplace mantle and got dirt all over the living room floor. I came downstairs to the sight of him romping around the living room with a flower pot on his face.

So the couch guy showed up later in the morning, and holy crap, I have never wanted someone to leave my house so badly in my entire life. First thing this guy says when he shows up is, "You know there's no parking out there...that's really terrible" (the street in front of our house has no parking, although there are spaces nearby). Then I take him up to our loft to show him the couch. His comment as we walk up: "I'd never live in a house like this." Yeah, it's three flights of stairs to the loft - I like it though, thank you very much.

So he looks at the couch, and I show him where the stain is. He says, "You can hardly even see it." I'm like, yeah, well that's because your lame-ass company kept giving us the run-around and took so friggin' long to get out here that by now the stain, along with any color on our couch has completely faded. He says, "Well, this is going to be a pain to do, and I'm going to have to get ALL my equipment from the truck." Well it's a good thing this is your job then, right dude?

He starts working on the couch, and then starts telling me how he'd never have any animals in his house. At this point I'm thinking, "Can I offer you a coke? Perhaps one laced with cyanide?" He asks, "Do you know how many diseases cats and dogs carry? People get sick from them all the time." I said, "As far as I know, there really aren't many diseases that are communicable between dogs and cats and humans." He's all, "Oh yes there are." My response? "Well, I've had a dog for over 16 years now, and I've never gotten sick from them." And in my head I finished off with, "plus I happen to know this for fact and I happen to know that you're a friggin' idiot."

He continues to tell me that I should be concerned, because AIDS came from monkeys, so of course cats and dogs are dangerous. Oh. My. God. Then he says that cats are especially dirty, because they have larvae in their urine. Urine is sterile, ya dipshit. His last little gem? "Well don't say I didn't warn you when you get rabies! Just kidding, heh." Holy crap, you mean they don't have a vaccine for rabies? I've been fooled all these years by my veterinarians!

I'm really too nice, because I could've put that guy in his place a dozen times. I hope he felt like a dumbass when he asked me later what I did for a living and I told him I was a biologist. That's not an ego thing, just an I-hate-morons thing.

My next personal goal is to learn how to replace couch cushions myself.