Work has been crazy lately, which is why I haven't been good with updates lately. I was going to recap our Disneyland trip and other stuff, but I'm just going to rant and wallow, so be warned.
We had our IVF "post-mortem" meeting with our doctor this morning, and it was a bit sobering, to say the least. The first bit of news we got is that we likely won't be doing our next cycle until August, instead of July, like we originally thought. I'd had a feeling that July was just going to be too good to be true, and sure enough, it was.
I know, it's just a month, right? What's another month? Here's the thing. I've gotten to the point where I've built up this brick wall of pessimism when it comes to this whole pregnancy/baby thing, but there's this masochistic part of me that keeps building this small, fragile house of cards of optimism on the side, and hearing that we have to wait until August was like someone coming and kicking down that house again.
They're giving us a 30% discount on our next cycle because of all that went wrong with our last one, and our doctor is also going to try to get us a break on the meds. I'm glad Marc was with me to thank the doctor for that, because I was having a tough time talking at that point. And I guess that's a bright side to all this, but I can't help but think, "Merry fucking Christmas - I'd rather not have a discount and just have some shit go right for us for once."
They are going to change my protocol this next cycle. I won't be on Lupron, but rather Ganirelix, so we'll be switching from an agonist protocol to an antagonist protocol. The hope is that my eggs won't be so stressed with the different protocol. The downside is that I'll likely produce fewer eggs, and the pessimist in me thinks that if three embryos was what my doctor was hoping to get from 25 good eggs the last time, the odds aren't going to be great if I produce even less eggs this next time, even if the quality is better.
The genetic testing lab is also going to fly someone out to oversee the biopsies, and they're going to run another PGD case alongside ours as a control. That's mostly the reason for them having to delay another month.
The doctor also told us that some people have eggs that just don't do well in an artificial environment, regardless of protocol used. So if this next cycle produces crap egg/embryos again, then IVF may just not be an option for us, and we may be back to having to get pregnant naturally and having a CVS and genetic testing after the fact, etc.
Honestly, I don't know if I can handle that. In the end I probably will, just because somehow, this has become that important to me. I may need actual therapy if it comes to that.
It's horrible - there's a part of me that right now would love for someone to pick a fight with me just so I can haul off and punch someone in the face, because I'm that angry. I'm just tired, upset, and pissed off at the world today.
Awwww. Sorry to hear it was not very positive.
There are a ton of resources/support groups/etc. out there for people having a hard time with IVF. You've probably looked at a ton of info already, but it's hard when you're the only person in your immediate circle of friends that you know of who is struggling with it. I definitely have hope for you and Marc and baby Edwards and hope you feel better -- and that round 2 goes well (or that you get to punch someone in the face)!