I just don't have it in me to be angry anymore, I just really don't. Alright, maybe a little. But enduring over a year of lamenting the unfairness of it all and dealing with the endless frustrations and heartache and wondering can anything ever go right and I am spent. I went in for my suppression check last Friday and they found a nice, big, fat follicle on one of my ovaries and my estradiol level was 120, when it should have been less than 50. I should've started stims on Saturday, but because I clearly wasn't surpressed, no go. My doctor had me up my Lupron doses over the weekend, and I had another blood draw this morning. My estradiol level today was 286. My body is basically saying, "Fuck you, I'm ovulating."
So farewell, IVF cycle #4, we hardly knew ya. I'm stopping shots entirely and now get to wait another two or three weeks before we can start cycle #5. FML.
I had someone ask me the other day, "How many more times are you going to try this?" and I realized that that is a horrible question to ask someone going through this. I have no idea. It's obviously not going to be indefinite, but being asked that question is like a painful reminder that you have been at it a very long time and simultaneously carries an undertone of "My God, when will you give up?" And besides not even having an answer to that question, what we would plan to do becomes too personal for even me to share with everyone.
So that's the long and short of it. I turned 31 last week, and fuck if it didn't seem like that long ago where I felt like I'd have plenty of time to have kids. And I know we can do it, but it's clear now that there's not going to be a way that isn't fraught with pain.
Awwww - so sorry #4 didn't work. :-( I didn't really understand any of the numbers and terms other than getting the gist that it didn't work, but I am heartbroken with you again.